The February Playlist + Brock Street Burner
The February edition of the Brock Street Burner is available online now at thebrockstreetburner.com! Have I mentioned that I lay out and design the Brock Street Burner? I wrote an article in this one called Risk Nothing, Win Even Less (you might remember me mentioning it in my last post). Sometimes I also do a comic or whatever. Check it out!
As a little bonus, here’s a playlist of some of the songs that have been on repeat for me for the past month plus some old faves. You can expect lots of R&B and multiple songs from Kehlani, Caroline Polachek, Chappell Roan, MUNA, Jessie Reyez, & more. If you only listen to one new love song this month, make it this new release from Ella Mae.
The poem I found in a drawer.
This was written about three and a half years ago (I think) for a man who absolutely did not deserve me. Still, I learned a valuable lesson. There’s more to that story… but you’ll have to check out February’s Brock Street Burner for that! But, for now, enjoy my past-life foolishness.
(Ever so slightly edited because my first stanza was BAD. Not gonna lie, I love the last one though)
I’d have to be crazy, wouldn’t I?
To think this could work,
that you might actually want me.
A little dense to believe you would fall for me.
A little unhinged, a little unstable,
heart so worn but still perfectly able.
A little exhausted, a little forlorn.
Loved so deeply, now I’m torn.
Should I give up—do what I always do?
Tell myself I know what’s best for you.
It isn’t me, it could never be.
But what about you?
Something in you has always spoken to me.
Something in your smile, your laugh.
Something in the way you don’t hold back…
Or do you?
All these years it never seemed it could be
anything more than just a dream.
That small sign, the tiniest clue.
I was always reading too much into you…
Or was I?
Perhaps it’s time to break down my walls.
To see where all the pieces land,
to watch them fall.
If not now, then I think never at all.
My Dream
If you’ve ever talked to me for long, you probably know I come up with a lot of business ideas—some I’d like to act upon, like a St. Louis based LOCAL business only delivery service, for example, but most are just for funsies. Honestly, if you want to start a business and can’t quite figure out your direction, hit me up, I’ve probably got ideas for you… but recently I’ve realized that as much as I want to start a little refill & resale shop or even perhaps a fun little witchy one, what I want most is still the first idea I came up with after moving here. We’re coming up on 5 years, St. Louis. Maybe it’s time I actually speak this out to the Universe in a bigger way.
So what is it?
I’ve always wanted to buy one of the old vacant churches (preferably not falling apart, but hey, if any billionaires wanna prove they can be ethical, hit me up. I’d love to save an old building) in the city. I’m from Kentucky, and a few (emphasis on few) of the churches had a good number of outreach programs that I really believed in. I’d like to revive those, as well as a weekly community-focused service but make it all completely free of religion. Let’s get to the weekly service last, because honestly, it going to appeal to some, but not others, and that’s fine, because no one is required (or guilted) to attend for any reason. The services will definitely be for people who miss the community of belonging to a church without the actual religion and those who are feeling lonely or alienated by our current societal structure. It’ll also be educational.
Outreach Programs
I’ve got a ton of ideas for these, so this list might not be exhaustive. Generally, we’d be here to support the community and hopefully provide at least a small number of jobs with additional volunteers (hopefully).
Donation sorting
Work with local charitable organizations to accept donations on their behalf, allowing community members to drop all their things off in one space, to be picked up and/or delivered to the appropriate organization. I think there are a lot of people who would donate more of their items instead of throwing them away if they didn’t have to research and coordinate all of those drop offs. We could also help with local short term donation drives. We will not accept donations for big “charity” chains, of course. I’m thinking MTUG, Perrenial, City Sewing Room, etc.
New Earth Farms drop off point? I mean why not? I’d love to even take recycling, etc, but that would be wildly dependent on the space and this feels a lot less likely. Perhaps we could have bins outside? However, we would take a wider range of items anyway due to our own thrift store, clothing closet, and creator store.
“Clothes closet”
Most clothes donated to us will be given away for free. Purely fast fashion pieces that offer little actual value to the wearer would also be excluded from this. Free clothes shouldn’t just mean the garbage no one wants that’s full of holes and shit. Small holes would be repaired. Donations that actually have good fabric but are torn or damaged will be cut up and donated to City Sewing Room or Perennial. People should not have to show “proof” of needing help, either. Take what you need.
“Fresh Food Donations”
We would take donations (perhaps even pick up, if money/volunteers allowed) from local restaurants and distribute to locals in need. I have a few ideas for how to do this but, this is one of my newer ideas and isn’t fully fleshed out just yet.
“Food Pantry”
I have always hated how most food pantries operated. It’s dehumanizing to not be given any choice in the food you eat. When my dad stopped working, we were regulars at the local Baptist pantry. Nothing they gave us made a full meal. Perhaps items should be separated by meal. We could even provide instructions maybe. How much people can take at a time and how often they can come back would probably depend on demand and I currently have no idea what that would be, because I don’t even have a specific church picked yet!
Income Streams
All proceeds would go to sustaining the organization and paying employees.
Venue rentals
We’d rent the sanctuary out for a modest fee that allows us to further our programs without being out of reach. Weddings would probably be free for volunteers? I’ve joked about becoming a wedding officiant for years, might as well make that come full-circle. I think my dad always expected me to become a pastor secretly—ain’t happening, but perhaps we could meet in the middle? Ha!
Stage rentals
I really want to host drag shows and plays, if you want a stage and want to benefit the local community all-in-one go, here’s your spot.
Classroom and office rentals
If there are extra rooms that we don’t need for other purposes, why not rent it out? This all really depends on the “church”
Thrift Store
Reserved for higher quality clothing. If space allows I’d love to take small furniture and kitchenware.
Creator Store
This one goes out to you, mom. Those things that are just too unique to throw away, but you have no use for… they find their home here. Not gonna lie, I’m realizing I’ve kind of lost this vision as I’m trying to explain it, so this one may be a dead concept now, but just in case it comes back…
Community Engagement
Weekly services
What if church and an old-school assembly had a baby, but more fun? Does that make any sense? I like the idea of having a couple of songs… Perhaps just a local singer can come play a couple covers (people like to sing along, of course) and an original song to get some exposure? Then, we could have a brief overview of important goings on in the neighborhood/city. Then, a short speaker presentation about something inspiring/educational. I could see this being great for a local therapist or professor or idk I’m really open to ideas here. We could even have multiple if there’s enough demand, perhaps with different styles
Movie nights
Very inexpensive tickets and snacks with very little up-charge, and this could even be an opportunity for a food truck to come by or something, just a thought.
Board game nights?
We can literally host Magic the Gathering for all I care. I basically want this to be a thirdplace for the city. A place to actually get out and meet people, not feel stuck at home.
Dinners
Sometimes churches have potlucks. We could do that, maybe?
Classes
We could host craft nights and other classes. Perhaps we could teach people how to repair their clothes, make their own cleaning products, all the things that corporate America has tricked us into thinking we don’t need… because they can make money off of us easier that way.
Alright, well, that’s most of it, anyway. I’m certain I’m forgetting some things but, hey, let me know what you think… If this existed, would you come to it? Would you volunteer? Do you have any ideas for me? Money is obviously the hurdle here, but I can’t help but feel like we need this… or is it just me? In my experience, Christianity thrives mostly because they’ve fooled so many people into thinking their only opportunity for human connection and community is within church walls. Well, what if we took God out of it and just believed in our community?
Random rant on the “5 Love Languages…” ho ho ho
Did you know that the “5 Love Languages” were developed by a Christian, Dr. Gary Chapman? I only ask, because I was introduced to them first in church. That seems to surprise a lot of people. For me, it was normal. And, it makes sense, if you look much into the official documentation… there’s traces everywhere. But how much do people know about the real concept vs. the pop culture references? I’m not sure. But I’ve realized as someone who grew up with parents who talked about love languages constantly… I have thoughts. Lots.
For starters, I think it’s bullshit. My “love language(s)” have changed constantly over the 30+ years I’ve been alive (I think I took my first test before 10) and, looking back, your “love language” is really more of a reflection of the things you’re not getting enough of from your partner (or self) than it is your favorite. When I felt painfully lonely, suddenly, “quality time” and “physical touch” were my preferred love languages. In relationships where my partner was overly clingy (everyone has a limit) but the sink was always full of dishes I would’ve killed for some “acts of service.”
When every employer and every friend group forgets my ever-inconvenient birthday for the 10th year in a row, giving me an actual birthday (and not just Christmas) gift was a pretty easy way into my heart. And those “for no reason” gifts have to be my favorite. The “idk I just saw this (possibly free thing) and it made me think of you” crow-brain kinda love does something for me. The only (mostly) consistent favorite I’ve had has been “words of affirmation,” however, even that failed me after years with a lying cheater—what good are words when they’re meaningless? Most times I took the test I had at least two nearly as highly scored categories. As I recall, at least once I had 3 in a similar range.
Ultimately, I think all relationships require some measure of all 5. Limiting yourself to only one does you both a disservice. Sure, it would be great if people were so easily categorized and needs so simply met, but that’s not life. If I tell you that words of affirmation is my love language and you write me love letters daily but never hold me just because you can, I’m still not going to feel as loved as I could. Is the goal just to do the bare minimum or is the goal to truly make your partner feel loved?
I think it really fits the narrative of corporate America that we can sell a book about the love languages and then find one specific thing to take away from it and our relationships will be “fixed.” Why spend time with those you love when you could be making junk for us to sell so you can barely afford your rent? Also, let’s not even get me started on “acts of service” as a name for love… basically the gist of this rant is the concept of the languages isn’t bad, but having a particular one… just throw that bit out. Also all the christian shit I don’t have the time or energy to complain about. Happy holidays if you care.
A Study of Eve: An Art Series in Watercolor
originally posted Dec 2024
While many pondered the gifts of Christ this holiday season, I found myself particularly glued to Eve. Honestly, I think it's very much a product of the pain that women are feeling after the 2024 presidential election. Everything I've read since the election has brought me to the same conclusion: The United States is still too sexist to elect a woman president.
“Let me ask a question to present day: how the hell did Eve get all the damn blame?”
I’ll be the first to admit that neither of our most politically “promising” options for a woman president have been my personal choice, but this election was different. This year, as I see it, we had two options: imperfect sanity with a female with a “boring” track record OR complete chaos with an aged male with a track record for unethical behavior.
I grew up in the Bible Belt, in a largely Southern Baptist community and church. So, this surprises me very little, however, I had hoped that things would’ve improved more than they clearly have. I remember it was very commonly stated by all sexes that women shouldn’t run for president and that if they did, they’d never win. Usually, they would then mock how “emotional” or, even more often, how “hormonal” women are. There was likely a time when I dutifully agreed when someone else stated it in my presence. But even at my most devout, none of the largely anti-female speech and narrative of the Bible, nor many of its followers, ever sat right with me.
So, why all the hostility towards women? There’s one, very simple answer: Eve.
What Does the Bible Say?
About Eve, specifically? Turns out, not much. Eve is only mentioned by name FOUR times total (Compared to Adam’s 27) in the entire Bible. In most of the story of Adam “and Eve,” she’s rarely even referred to by name, but more often as “the woman” or “Adam’s wife,” assuming all of those references are even to the same woman… The only children of Adam that are mentioned are Cain, Abel, and Seth. All of them married and “made ‘love’ to” wives who are never named or given backstory.
The gaps of time between children are unclear (though there are only 2 times the Bible explicitly stated Adam and “his wife” got it on, but it is clear that Seth was a much younger child and that Adam had Seth at the age of 130 and lived to be the age of 930… but none of those 4 mentions of Eve in the Bible answers the question I want to know: how long did Eve live?
The truth is, Genesis unfortunately makes it clear that Eve was a largely unimportant character. In fact, the more I learn about the treatment of women throughout history, I think it likely served Moses very well that women were treated as unimportant and even unclean or unworthy. No one knows who took actual pen to “paper,” (papyrus?) as they say, but Moses is credited with writing the first 5 books of the Bible by pretty much everyone else in the Bible.
Whether it was Moses or not, I don’t know or really care. But it feels about as likely as just about everything else in the Bible so, sure.
How My Eve Collection Began
It all started with Eve #1, which is now part of the left half of the new “EVE.” She came to me as I was listening to the song Labour by Paris Paloma and considering the biblical character. The verses where Paris worries over her future daughter’s fate at the hands of her abusive husband proposed an interesting perspective for me. What if Eve knew exactly what she was doing when she ate from that tree? What if it was the last-ditch effort of an oppressed woman? After all, what is there to lose, if not everything? An obsession (and a playlist) grew from there and many more pieces started sprouting up over a few weeks.
Eve #1
It’s very me to obsess over a subject so much that I make a themed playlist to keep myself in the right mood while I work on a project. I really like the effect of listening to this playlist as you look at the pieces I created. I find that it really encourages all kinds of different ideas about Eve and what her motives could have been. So, this feels like as good a time as any to share it with you.
Up next, my neurodivergent mind pumped out "Eve #2" and "Eve Ate." I Then began "Eden" before scribbling out "Eve #3" on printer paper during a particularly slow day.
“Eve ate”
My favorite thing about “Eve Ate” is that she’s similarly colored to the original, only this time I created her entirely with the new, much nicer watercolors I’d purchased from my favorite local art store. So, I decided to stick with the original color scheme again for EVE.
Eve #3, again, was largely inspired by Paris Paloma’s hit song. However, even more explicitly, as I used a freeze frame from the music video for as my initial inspiration for this version of Eve. The song and music video are a masterpiece, but I especially wanted to capture a small bit of the ravenous energy at which Paris tears into the pomegranate. Click here to see what I’m talking about. However, I do want to express that Paris is not quite the Eve I envision and that she was changed to look more how I pictured her in the final copy.
Eve #3, Eve #4
Eve #4 was always meant to be beside the original in my mind. At this point, I decided that both their final homes would be in the form of a collage on canvas. I had originally planned on making the backing canvas more green and garden-like, however, by the time I'd finished this piece, my piece "Eden" was already complete. I suppose that it didn't feel as fresh to me at that point, and I worried that it wasn't true to the original 3-tone concept.
Let’s Talk About Eve
EVE (final version) Watercolor, pencil, collage with paper on canvas
This work is, in many ways, a perfect summary of this series, in the biased eyes of her creator, me. She’s comprised of both my first “Eve” drawing and my last “Eve” drawing. So, she is both the first piece I started and the last piece completed. She began as an expression of my ever-growing perspective of the biblical character of Eve. As I grew up, Eve was always so demonized and criticized for her weakness. It’s funny, she never felt weak to me. She did eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but why is it such a bad thing to seek a second opinion? She was chastised for not trusting blindly in her maker.
Once, blind faith didn’t seem so strange to me. Faith wasn’t terrifying. Faith gave me a goal, something to hope for. It was everything else that I was afraid of. The big wide world, but most importantly, myself. What had the Bible taught me, if not that I am the worst, most wretched being unless I devote my entire body, mind, time, and money to God and His Church? Nothing I ever did felt like enough. I never felt Saved enough.
When I exited an even more emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship, it was so clear to me how easily I fell into his grasp because of my religion. He used it to prey on me, to keep me, to guilt me, and to change me. He used it to keep me feeling smaller than life and worthless, “blessed” by his very presence.
But after many years of healing, I can finally look back and see all of the parallels to abuse and manipulation all over the pages of the book I grew up on. I can feel it in my memories. A Bible was likely the first book I ever owned, and for over 20 years it ruled me, guilted me, and forced me to contort myself to a version that would be considered acceptable by my parents and church members. How quickly did Eve’s own husband turn on her when questioned by his Father? We know the answer to this one—very. What were Eve’s days like in Eden before the serpent? Unfortunately, we have no idea.
Eve #2
In this piece, I wanted to focus more on some less emotional aspects of how the perception of Eve has changed over time for me. For starters, most artwork we see generally portrays Adam, Eve, Jesus, the whole Bible cast and crew with a light complexion even though it’s essentially impossible that they would look this way. While many people are able to see these historic artworks and rationalize that this is “just one artist’s perspective,” that is often still the one that sticks in a person’s mind. It can make undue connections in your head.
Traditionally, we also see the unnamed fruit of the tree of knowledge depicted as an apple, but this feels more like a western preoccupation with the fruit more than anything else to me. I’ve seen suggestions that pomegranates could be the fruit that grew on the tree (though if we’re to trust the Bible, we’ve lost access to the fruit). I like and ran with this idea due to the growing region of the fruit and the region where most of the Bible actually takes place, but more importantly, because of the symbolism. Pomegranates are often seen as a symbol for fertility and are an integral part of the story of Persephone, another famous mythological woman bound to her fate by marriage and fruit…
Eve #2
The Finale: Our Mother, Who Art on Earth
Finally, my favorite piece and the one I’m most proud of: Eden. This painting explores a world where Eve’s spirit finally rests inside a tree at the outskirts of a now barren “Eden.” This painting is very much a culmination of a story pieced together by me and inspired in some part by the linked playlist as well as the myths and legends I studied throughout my life.
I started by sketching out my Mother Tree, and then decided I wanted this painting to have a secret: the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Sara Bareilles, Eden. I had a feeling they would likely get covered up in the process, and they did, but somehow I feel that this little secret lends strength to the piece.
In my version of her story, Eve’s spirit becomes tied to the seeds of the fruit, which eventually make their way through to the ground from whence they came. Over the years, the sapling grows and when her body passes, her soul returns to the tree. Everything she touches grows stronger and more abundant, protected by a mysterious stream. The earth outside her grassy mound is dry, barren and empty, the sky unkind. She watches as years pass and the world around her fades. Still, she waits patiently, for she knows her true time has yet to come.
I have so much more to say on the subject of Eve and the Bible. But this has already been very long. I’ll have to touch on those another time.
It’s a shame that the narrative of the Bible isn’t more uplifting to women. We have so much to offer the world. This painting is for us. Our time will come. I often worry how much more damage our Earth will have to endure before we finally learn our lesson. How many years do we waste chasing money and power instead of knowledge and empathy? We have long been told that our emotions and ability to empathize are our weaknesses. But, truly, they are our strengths. What is your story?
