Random rant on the “5 Love Languages…” ho ho ho
Did you know that the “5 Love Languages” were developed by a Christian, Dr. Gary Chapman? I only ask, because I was introduced to them first in church. That seems to surprise a lot of people. For me, it was normal. And, it makes sense, if you look much into the official documentation… there’s traces everywhere. But how much do people know about the real concept vs. the pop culture references? I’m not sure. But I’ve realized as someone who grew up with parents who talked about love languages constantly… I have thoughts. Lots.
For starters, I think it’s bullshit. My “love language(s)” have changed constantly over the 30+ years I’ve been alive (I think I took my first test before 10) and, looking back, your “love language” is really more of a reflection of the things you’re not getting enough of from your partner (or self) than it is your favorite. When I felt painfully lonely, suddenly, “quality time” and “physical touch” were my preferred love languages. In relationships where my partner was overly clingy (everyone has a limit) but the sink was always full of dishes I would’ve killed for some “acts of service.”
When every employer and every friend group forgets my ever-inconvenient birthday for the 10th year in a row, giving me an actual birthday (and not just Christmas) gift was a pretty easy way into my heart. And those “for no reason” gifts have to be my favorite. The “idk I just saw this (possibly free thing) and it made me think of you” crow-brain kinda love does something for me. The only (mostly) consistent favorite I’ve had has been “words of affirmation,” however, even that failed me after years with a lying cheater—what good are words when they’re meaningless? Most times I took the test I had at least two nearly as highly scored categories. As I recall, at least once I had 3 in a similar range.
Ultimately, I think all relationships require some measure of all 5. Limiting yourself to only one does you both a disservice. Sure, it would be great if people were so easily categorized and needs so simply met, but that’s not life. If I tell you that words of affirmation is my love language and you write me love letters daily but never hold me just because you can, I’m still not going to feel as loved as I could. Is the goal just to do the bare minimum or is the goal to truly make your partner feel loved?
I think it really fits the narrative of corporate America that we can sell a book about the love languages and then find one specific thing to take away from it and our relationships will be “fixed.” Why spend time with those you love when you could be making junk for us to sell so you can barely afford your rent? Also, let’s not even get me started on “acts of service” as a name for love… basically the gist of this rant is the concept of the languages isn’t bad, but having a particular one… just throw that bit out. Also all the christian shit I don’t have the time or energy to complain about. Happy holidays if you care.