Cutting out the Bullshit.
When your vibe constantly wrecks mine,
how could I ever feel comfortable around you?
When you bring stress instead of joy,
why should I make time for you?
When you take but never give,
why do I bother with you?
When everything is always on your terms,
why do I want you?
When you can’t communicate your needs,
why would I need you?
Over the last few years I’ve been reflecting on the type of people I want to surround myself with. Do the people around me lift me up or do they bring me down? Am I contorting myself to fit into their mold, or do we connect as we are? I’ve spent so much of my life masking that I do it even without thinking—so often that it unfortunately takes effort for me to make myself stop. When that happens, I find myself keeping quiet and superficial because I fear that the people I interact with don’t actually want to get to know me. But, once you show me you do, I tend to open up pretty quickly.
There’s not a lot that I’m uncomfortable talking about, yet I often worry that I will make others uncomfortable by sharing too much. But why am I even thinking about all of that? Recently, I’ve learned that when I just go for it and do whatever feels right at the time that it usually works out, sometimes even better than I would’ve expected. I’ve spent so much of my life worried about people, money, religion—you name it, I’ve worried about it.
But here’s the thing… if you don’t like me… I’m probably not going to like you either… so why do I care? Even if we are able to maintain a superficial friendship or whatever, I’m not going to enjoy it. Neither will you, I’m sure. And that’s so much effort to put into a relationship that’s doing little to nothing for me, isn’t it? Why would I even do that? You’re allowed to not care for me, just as I am allowed to care less about you. I don’t have to befriend every person I interact with.
You might think that since I’ve adopted this attitude I’ve lost a lot of friends and made fewer… but honestly, the few I have lost have barely affected my life—what were they really adding to it anyway? Perhaps most shockingly of all, I’ve actually gained so many more friends than I ever would’ve expected… without even looking for them.
Since my breakup a few months ago, I’ve been learning to lean more on the friends I already had. The truth is that I often spend so much of my time trying to help other people, and yet, I never turn around and ask them for help. There’s a lot of reasons for that, but perhaps the biggest is that in the past I kept so many superficial relationships that I still poured lots of time and effort into, and then when I needed something, they were never around to back me up. Often they’d agree to help in theory but then flake when the time finally came around.
I think that seemed more normal to me because it’s what I grew up with. My mother notoriously stays way too busy (and broke) to make good on her promises. Both of my parents had a hard time keeping real friends, and now that I’m older I can reflect on the fact that they often adapted themselves to fit what their friends wanted. That’s not even touching the subject of how broken friendships usually are in the Christian church. Heaven forbid you ever struggle with normal human issues that some might consider a “sin.” Really, all it takes is someone perceiving that you aren’t “right with God” for them to feel justified in dropping you. How can you have open and honest communication in a friendship like that?
You can’t, honestly. Not the kind of friendship I’ve grown to love and appreciate. I love a friendship where we can talk about any subject any time of day—nothing is inappropriate or TMI because we’re all humans and we all have the same kind of issues. Even if the issue you’re telling me about isn’t something I’ll ever personally struggle with, it still benefits me to know what’s going on from other people’s perspectives—you never know when that information will come in handy, and I usually find that it does. Even if it doesn’t, though, we all know how cathartic it can be to just talk over an issue with your friend. Your real friends will often provide you additional perspective without making you feel “less than” for your imperfections.
You might think I learned the importance of communication while pursuing my bachelors in communications, but I actually learned this lesson in the midst of an abusive relationship. You know, the kind where your partner never wants you to talk about your relationship with your friends because it violates their “privacy.” But, here’s the thing… when I started talking about my relationship, all of my friends quickly noticed that there were major problems with the way I was being treated. Me, well, I was used to it. This had been going on for five years and I’d never been treated better… despite my gut telling me something was wrong, my head told me something different. And my heart just hurt. It took my friends reinforcing that gut feeling for me to realize that it was time to leave. Suddenly, it was obvious why he didn’t want me talking about us, and it had nothing to do with privacy and even less to do with safety. It was control.
But that’s when I realized that lack of communication is a cage. A cage you (often with help from family) build yourself to keep yourself from living the life that you truly deserve. There are so many things, so many problems, in life that could be so easily solved by people actually talking about their issues and experiences. We have so much to learn from each other. But we can’t when we’re all spread apart and stuck in our own homes by ourselves. When was the last time you made time to have a relaxed conversation with someone you trust? And no, a conversation over text is fine and all, but really isn’t quite what I’m looking for here. I love to text as much as the next person (maybe even more) but there’s a lot of things to be missed when you’re not devoting all of your attention to a conversation. And even more that can be misread due to a lack of tone.
How many things do you keep inside because you worry that no one else will understand? We all have some. But the amazing thing I often find is that you’re rarely (if ever) alone. No matter how alone you feel. So, the next time you feel compelled to tell someone something, even if you’re not sure why, give it a try. Stop presenting a masked version of yourself for people to gaze upon, because here’s the thing. Even if they do like that version of you, it’ll never feel like enough. Because you know what you’re hiding. You know all the parts of yourself that “no one else” accepts or cares about. And those parts become more heinous and devilish looking the longer you allow them to hide.
But, what if—stick with me here—you showed people the real you and they only loved you more for it? You may turn some people away, but you’ll draw infinitely more people in when you’re living your truth. Everyone can tell when you’re hiding something, even if they aren’t sure what it is. It makes it harder for people to feel that they can trust you. People can also tell when you hide nothing. When you’re free and happy in your own skin. That happiness draws people in like a moth to a flame and makes them want to find the freedom you’ve found. No more playing games or roles. And the best part is that you’re going to draw the kinds of people you like to yourself repel those you don’t without even trying.
Once upon a time I felt invisible, like no one ever noticed my presence. I was constantly passed over for promotions, invitations, fuck, I couldn’t even get a bartender’s attention. It really hurt. It felt as if my presence didn’t even matter. I got used to people not remembering my name when I went places. I got used to being under the radar. Over the next few years I realized, however, that the reason I was so often invisible is that I was trying to be like everyone else. I wasn’t being myself. I was making myself blend in. It’s not necessarily something I’m born to.
And how did I notice? Well… people started noticing me. It wasn’t overnight. It came after many years of finding my style and the things that I like. After many years of ditching the “normie” clothes and wearing my goth ones. Of actually wearing whatever I wanted—even if it felt like it drew too much attention. I used to think I wasn’t cute enough or cool enough or skinny enough or WHATEVER enough to “pull off” the clothes I wanted. So, instead, I wore things that felt safe. But as time passed, and as I got bolder with my outfits, I stopped worrying about what people thought about them. Because, here’s the thing… I actually started getting compliments.
I rarely used to get compliments before… how can you compliment something you don’t even notice, anyway? And sometimes I’d get them from the unlikeliest of sources. The person didn’t even have to be alternative to like my outfit, it turned out. It was as if they were just reacting to the fact that I was actually being myself. I wasn’t dressed for the trends or what was popular… I was dressed the way I wanted to be. And that was it. Now, I’m constantly surprised at how many people actually remember me, even when we only met once. When you’re true to yourself it shows and it attracts the right kind of people. Stop fucking with the wrong ones. <3 Just be you, boo.