An Apology

Today, I posted a (since deleted) poem that felt therapeutic for me at the time. After all, one thing I’ve learned most about my writing is that it’s just as much for me as it is for any of you. It gives me an avenue to vent my frustrations and to show others that they are not alone in theirs. Sometimes it gives me an opportunity to teach a lesson, even. This time, it seems the intended student was me. Actually, a lot of times the intended audience turns out to be me, though I generally hope that it helps people like me as well.

You see, I’ve been feeling a bit prolific lately, especially in the poetry department. They’re just coming to me so easily it’s hard not to follow through. But what I forgot is that just because I write something, doesn’t mean I should share it with you. Sometimes I take for granted how small my reach is, knowing how little I advertise or push my content. And, honestly, I’ve just been excited to actually have things to share. But, the truth is, even if the person I was referring to never read it, and I may never know if they did, it’s not the kind of energy I should be putting out at all.

I don’t know what’s going on in that situation, and my brain decided to fill in the blanks in an especially weak moment. The unknown tends to drive me a bit insane. I’m sure I’m not alone in that. But I assure you that my mind is crueler to myself than it ever is to anyone else. So, if that person ever does happen to read this, I’m sorry. No matter how frustrated I am, it’s not an excuse. I think it even said more about me and my insecurities than it did about you.

Honestly, I’ve been going through a lot the past year. So often it feels like I’m stuck in a purgatory that I don’t know how to escape. There are so many things up in the air that I consistently feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop… and hoping it doesn’t land squarely on my head. Sometimes it can be hard to stay positive, though I’m trying. Sometimes I fail. Today, I failed.

So, this is a reminder for me and everyone out there that we all fail and fall short of our own dreams and goals and ideals. Sometimes we look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at us. Sometimes we lash out when we should just leave things alone. Sometimes we overshare. Sometimes we under-share. But we’re all human, and we’re all just doing our best to be better than we were yesterday. So, here’s to tomorrow.